Ever heard the old saying, “When Men Were Men”? It has its fair share of variations, but you get what I’m saying. Those four words talk about a time when masculinity was something to be proud of. It talks about a time when heroes were actors like John Wayne and Arnold Schwarzenegger, performers jumped around on stage for the opportunity to get flashed and meet a Backstage Betty, and little boys had swords and guns as toys. When did it become “not cool” to be a man? Where was the turning point?

Growing up, I loved He-Man. If I could have been ripped and rode around on a giant green tiger only by yelling “I HAVE THE POWER!” and raising my play sword in the air, believe me, I wouldn’t be blogging right now. As I got older, movies like Commando and Rocky became inspirational. I wanted a hidden room filled with guns and wanted to jump up and down even after climbing the shortest steps. Even now, I try not to let go of my glory days and play competitive sports in hopes of a heroic play or catching the eye of “that girl.” Are these days over for today’s youth?

What’s the biggest movie in the country right now? New Moon. Has anyone looked at those guys starring in it? Good god, look at the boys in the New Moon picture! Are you as creeped out as I am? That picture doesn’t say “boys, let us be your manly role models.” Instead, I think it says “we’re escaping from Auschwitz, do you have any food?” Where is a boy to look for a manly role model these days?

What about the life of a rock star? Let’s tune into this year’s American Music Awards to see the best in the business. Oh, I hear this Adam Lambert kid won American Idol. Maybe he can be someone to look up to… wait… WHAT IS HE DOING? Did he just make out with a dude back there? Ok, now he’s trying to finger-bang the girl above him? And now he’s grabbing the back of that guy’s head and forcing it into his… WHAT?! Is this really what millions of Americans consider their idol? Oh, don’t backpedal now, America, you sat on your couches and redialed night after night to put this whack-job in-front of us. KISS made musicians with makeup cool. 80s rockers like Van Halen and Motley Crue wore makeup like chicks, but at least they weren’t hotter than the people they were banging after the show. Now, rockers wear makeup to look like they’re dead. Again, this gothi-vampire crap is not manly role model material.

What is it going to take to make being a man cool again? Pro athletes, can you make it cool again? Nope, America, you’ve ruined that too. Since kids have to be fair all the time and no one can take first anymore, professional sports have lost their luster. Everyone gets a blue ribbon now when kids compete. It’s ok not to tough it up and work your ass off to earn first place, you’re going to get the same recognition as the guy who can kick your butt all over the field. This is how other sports have become popular. Ah, we’ll never become good enough to play that sport, so lets do this instead. Oh, now too many others are playing this and better than me, time to switch to something else. This downward spiral of wussiness has made poker the most watched sport on ESPN. Why? Because ANYONE can play it. No masculinity involved.

Is it too late for men? I’m not talking about males in general, I’m speaking specifically of the men. The men that are referred to in Old Spice commercials. Are men a dying breed? Are we going to be sitting around in 20 years, doing each other makeup and drinking appletinis to watch the momentous occasion of dedicating the latest Hollywood star to Zac Efron? I miss you, Dolph Lundgren.